I often think of you. And each life journey that we had, separately. How is it possible that we still look at each other the same way? Why do time and distance mean nothing to us? By loving you, I learned to let go. I learned to love unconditionally - way before I knew what it actually means. The fact that you can't even hurt me. I learned that we don't always need a verbal declaration. Because every time you look at me, your eyes give you away.
x dianne
19.12.16
This is the 2nd translated excerpt from a translation of a classic Greek poem 'Moonlight Sonata' by Yiannis Ritsos. English translation by Peter Green and Beverly Bardsley.
Kita berhenti sejenak di hujung dinding, di atas bukit,
dan saat angin yang bertiup ke segenap sudut
kita terbuai angan seolah terbang melayang
kerana sering kali, malah ketika ini pun, aku bagai terngiang
bunyi selendang yang ku pakai ini berterbangan
seolah bunyi sayap terbuka dan terkatup memecah hening
terasa sesaknya nafas, sakitnya dada
dan bila jiwa dipeluk awan di tengah-tengah bunyi sayap itu
terasa sesaknya nafas, sakitnya dada
terhimpit di celah-celah udara langit yang membiru,
menyelinap ke saraf-saraf syurga,
tiada beza sama ada kau pergi atau kembali
tiada beza sama ada kau pergi atau kembali
dan tiada juga bezanya tatkala rambutku bertukar putih
(bukan itu yang menjadi duka – yang mengundang sayu adalah kerana hatiku tidak pula bertukar sejernih kaca)
Benarkan aku menurut jejakmu
This is a translated excerpt from a translation of a classic Greek poem 'Moonlight Sonata' by Yiannis Ritsos. English translation by Peter Green and Beverly Bardsley.
----
Sonata Cahaya Bulan
Benarkan aku menurut jejakmu
hingga ke hujung sana, sejauh dinding merah bata,
hingga ke persimpangan jalan dan kau akan terpempan
melihat kota konkrit masih riuh bersahutan, disimbahi cahaya bulan,
tiada rasa perbezaan dan tiada berkepentingan
jiwanya positif, seolah metafizik
maka kau akhirnya percaya pada kewujudan dan ketidakwujudan,
bahawa kau tidak pernah wujud, bahawa masa yang memusnahkan itu tidak pernah wujud.
Benarkan aku menurut jejakmu.
Pernahkah kau rasa...
Jiwa yang paling retak remuk renyuk hancur dihenyak ditetak dihiris disiat lunyai berderai berkecai...
Hanya disambut dengan tawa?
Aku pernah.
Dear you,
Today is the last day of my busy schedule. And I haven't had the chance to talk to you. I tried. I kept giving hints. But you were busy, I know. You didn't mean to push me away. You still replied my texts. And for that, I'm grateful. I know you care.
I've imagined today for as long as I've known you. The day when I would burn the letters. The day when I would throw away the papers. I've been crying for days. I didn't tell anyone. I couldn't tell anyone. Why would I tell anyone? No one would understand. NO ONE would tell me that I am making sense.
As crazy as it sounds, today is the last day I would sit and give my all to reminisce each and every memory we had. Yes. I still regret the decision I made years ago. I should've stayed with you. I should've told you that I love you very much. But of course, He has better plans for us right? I can't be selfish. Who am I to stop you from being happy?
For sometime now, you have been a crucial part of my life. You are my real superhero. You helped me through a lot of things, a lot of troubles, a lot of tears... some of it without even knowing. You always knew what to say. You always came running. You have always been around. My wonderful Mr Yes. And I have lost count of how many times... that I fell for you. Probably every time we met. Probably every time we said goodbye. Probably every time you texted. Probably every time I baked something for you.
But let me tell you one specific recent event that made me very certain that I am indeed in love with you. When you chose me that outfit. When you spent an hour choosing the right one in the midst of your superbusy schedule. You made decisions with me and was actually interested when giving opinions. Part of me died a little that day. You were too kind. Too wonderful.
I have mental pictures of you everywhere. In my heart, in my mind, in my dreams, every time I looked at the empty seat on my left. You. I just realised that all these while, I have been missing you.
I really need to let you go. I can't live with this feelings forever. You can't be my saviour forever. You are only mine in my dreams. And I shall I keep it that way.
Note : Written for an unpublished manuscript - 'Danger'.
Ini aku dan jemariku yang cuba menggapai kamu di sebalik kabus tebal malam itu. Sudah telat untuk aku bingkiskan kata-kata panjang kerana bayang yang ada pun makin cepat menghilang. Dalam beberapa saat itu apa saja yang mampu aku ulang? Entah bahagian mana dalam cerita kita yang mahu aku ungkit untuk luahkan betapa sayang. Entah untuk apa. Entah perlu atau tidak aku menjengah kembali rasa yang sebenarnya menyakitkan saja. Lantas aku cuma menggenggam tangan kamu buat terakhir kali. Untuk waktu itu hanya hening yang pantas untuk menemani. Biar resah itu diganti tawa yang kedengaran bagai nyanyian di telinga ini. Biar luka itu disembuhkan dengan senyum yang menjadi bukti segala yang terjadi hari ini bukan sekadar satu episod mimpi. Kepergian kamu, langkah-langkah itu berlalu tanpa janji. Tapi benar aku sudah lelah untuk meneka apa lagi yang menanti.
-------
This is me and my hands, my fingers trying to reach you, to hold you where I can’t see you. Maybe I subconsciously leave everything until the eleventh hour because part of me didn’t even believe that you will be here. I only have a few seconds, what else can I say? How much of us that I should try to convey? I can’t even pick a story because my mind is playing our memories on the loop, hurting me. So I decided to embrace this moment for a little longer, and enjoy the birds chirping and silence wrapping the cold night and pretend like they are my saviour. I let you pick up every little piece of my soul that is trying to break free. I smile to replace the bitterness I would taste as soon as I close the door, put down my bag and lie on the bed thinking that this is not just a dream. You’re not promising anything. And I am just too exhausted to think about what could be waiting.
X D
Ini aku dan suara di telinga. Di tengah persimpangan, antara dua rentan. Gema di mana-mana yang aku cuba lari dan bayangkan tiada. Bisa diulang berkali tapi peritnya cuma di hati. Baris diluah berseni yang ditelan racun lagi. Tak perlu toleh ke kiri, pandang saja ke hadapan dan pergi. Usai lelah berkali, kau masih tegar berdiri?
x D
I spent 4 hours of silence last night,
nothing seems right
Still wishing you are here to hug me close, and tell me everything will be okay with your sleepy voice
Wishing I am in the twilight zone
Where I can watch you fall asleep and wake up smiling... over and over again
Between us, we seem to have lost the track of time
It feels like we are still in the same year when I first asked you to write your name
Do you know that I still have that small piece of paper?
But I don't have the courage to do it again, there is no reason to add the pain
You're like a strange bright beam,
shining your light and vanished into the stream
Did you know what I wanted to hear?
Did you turn away because of your fear?
Are we in danger?
How long do I have before this is over?
When we run out of excuses, how do I avoid the bruises?
X B
Caramel’s Words
The morning of goodbye slowly
approached me from far away while smiling.
We are the sunlight in the night sky.
It is as if the night is sleepwalking.
Slowly, we’ll be forgotten.
© Park Young Joon
Dear you,
In my mind, we are still two young lovers. In my mind, I still think about us stealing kisses under the stars. I will always treasure those moments we spent waiting for the sun to rise. Every time I see you is like the first time I saw you walked past. The same white shirt. The same black pants. The manner, the attitude. The same way you always greet me, that big smile. Yesterday's breakfast, last week's lunch, last month's supper... Maybe I said things I didn't mean because you already have too much in your plate. I don't want my feelings to be a burden to you. We have always been very honest with each other - about everything else but not our hearts. In my defense, whatever I told you was because what you told me. And... regardless what our feelings are, I don't want to lose my best friend. You will always have a special place in my heart.
Daripada menghimpit gadis di dinding untuk mencuri ciuman mereka, dia lebih memilih untuk menggunakan sebuah cara sederhana yang lebih efesien: taktik kertas dan pena.
[AR, Republish]
Antara mencari dan dicari
Antara meyakinkan dan diyakini
Musim berganti dia masih di sini
Apa aku belum kuat untuk pergi?
ada kalanya nafasku sukar dihela
bertindih berkalih bersurih menagih
bunyi yang aku dengar itu sunyi
lagu yang aku dendang itu sepi
benarkah dia itu korban
dan aku bukan mangsa?
takkan pula guruh tanda cerah
dan pelangi tanda amarah?
jangan terlalu kontradiksi wahai hati
kelak yang patah itu kamu
nanti yang remuk itu kamu
untuk apa menanti hujan berhenti
bila mana yang berderaian sedari tadi
bukan di luar sana
bukan di padang juga
tapi matamu di jendela
*diinspirasikan daripada 'Batas' versi Aan Mansyur yang diterbitkan dalam antologi puisi 'Tidak Ada New York Hari Ini' untuk filem Ada Apa Dengan Cinta 2.
-----
Di antara segala sesuatu itu wujud batasan. Merintangi tiap ruang, menyatakan perbezaan.
Gelap malam ini membatasi langit kirmizi petang tadi dan suria cerah pagi nanti.
Suria itu pula batas antara mendung hujan rahmat dan pelangi azimat.
Lorong kosong memisahkan arca bisu dan balai seninya, istana dan kediaman pengawalnya,
juga tingginya awan angan dan pijak kita pada bumi yang nyata.
Lapangan dan sayapnya memisahkan dua kota.
Saat aku tiba, bayangmu ada di mana-mana. Rindu membungkam setiap isi hatiku di dada.
Tapi tak daya berbuat apa-apa.
Seperti dipaksa untuk kembali lena dalam mimpi tegar yang sia-sia.
Kata akhir diluah sesuai dengan tika dan masa.
Biarpun mata yang basah menjadi dinding untuk kau melangkah. Persis rasa egois yang menjauhkan harapan daripada cinta.
Apa khabar hari ini? Persoalan ini adalah jurang antara pengakhiran yang kita tempuhi dan kemahuan aku untuk menidakkan segala janji.
kadang kangen pada jiwanya
pada tulus pandangan dia
mengerti tiap kata
tahu tiap bicara
tiba tiapku mahu, muncul saatku perlu
kadang kangen pada senyumnya
tiada rentetan langsung
tapi selalu bersambung
sekian kali tiada penghujung
bisa berbicara tanpa selindung
kadang tertawa mengenang sikapnya
tegas membahas bilaku mengadu
meneliti masalah seolah serba tahu
dia ... penyembuh laraku
semakin jauh, semakin rindu
kadang mungkin tersilap kata
kadang ada aku terasa
dia ... selalu hadir di dalam mimpi
malam berlalu takkan sunyi
kadang aku tertanya
pada siang di celah kesibukan menggila
apa ada terlintas aku di minda?
Kalau I boleh pusingkan masa...
Kalau I boleh buat balik semua ni...
Kalau waktu tu I tahu macam mana rasa kehilangan you...
- Azad, Istanbul Aku Datang (2012)
Bila dua hidup dah sebati, tak semudah itu untuk dileraikan. Awak jugak yg cakap macam tu kan?
- Dian, Istanbul Aku Datang (2012)
Kalau awak rasa apa yang saya rasa...
Tolonglah, Dian. Jangan pergi.
- Harris, Istanbul Aku Datang (2012)
Love is a funny thing. You don't know what will happen tomorrow, you don't even know what will happen in the next hour. The only certainty is that nothing is certain. But you love. And you share your hopes and dreams thinking you will live forever. You love unconditionally. Because love with conditions is not love. You love how he looks at you. You love how he holds your hand. You love when he stares at you, not saying anything. You love when he believes in you even when you're not making much sense. That feeling when he drops everything just to be with you. That feeling when he drives for hours just to see you smile. He brings a bouquet of flowers as a surprise. He says ok without hesitation when you're in need of a favor. He still has the small card you sent from 10 years ago. You still read his texts from the same year. You can cry for hours and wake up laughing. Or you can be on top of the world for a minute only to realize that it was a mistake. You make decisions based on now. Your current happiness. Your current importance. Because trying to create reasons for things yet to come... is not a definition of living.
Terasa aneh
Bila kau di sana mencari perhatian
Bila kau pula minta diperhatikan
Terasa lucu
Bila kau mahu penjelasan
Atas apa yang kau mulakan
Terasa pelik
Bila kau tanyakan jawapan
Pada persoalan yang pernah aku utarakan
Kau tak punya masa
Tiada ruang untuk berbicara
Tiada ruang untuk bersua
Bukankah dari awal sudah dijanji?
Menyayangi hanya bila disayangi kembali
Memaklumi saat hatiku bukan milikmu lagi
Tidak bertengkar bila aku di pihak yang benar
Dan membiarkan kau pergi tanpa mencabar
Maaf
Aku tak punya hati
Langsung tak mempeduli
Aku memang kejam begini
Kerana jiwa yang parah terluka
Tak bisa serahkan peluang kedua
Tidakkah diamku ini membunuh rasa?
Shall I knock on this door?
To see what I have left
Finding the space I still deserve
Looking for moments hanging on the wall
Not sure if I really need a closure
Maybe I will never put it to rest
Maybe this is my learning curve
A reminder to never give my all
Dianne
30 May 2016
This building stood against time
Cracked at all phases
Blended til tasteless
Drenched in sweat and tears
Beyond curiousity and being furious
This building stood against time
Each path lined with history
Every corner bears a memory
The wall bounced with an anthology
The floor drowned in beautiful poetry
This building stood against time
No threat can burn the roof
No pity can make it move
This fortress is mine and mine only
Alas, you are not worthy to challenge me
Dianne
Istanbul 26 May 2016
Cuba menghambat keruh
Langit matikan guruh
Deru bersilih ganti
Merungkai mimpi malam tadi
Beda dingin jendela
Antara Istiklal dan Galata
Dipisah tiga puluh anak tangga
Apa hatinya masih ada?
Dianne
Galata Apt. 24 May 2016
I am watching you watching him
Being in your own bubble
I am looking at you looking at him
Dreaming the impossible
Melayang satu detik
Bersilih senyum, amarah
Pada awan rasa terusik
Makin menjauh, lenakah?
Merindu bingit ombak
Tangan kita menyentuh deru yang serupa
Mengharap pada senja
Kaki kita memijak pasir yang sama
D
SZB - JHB
30 March 2016
Tiada seri, tiada cahaya
Tiada berita, tiada tertanya
Karena rasaku sudah mati
Hilang peduli
Bisa tertusuk duri
Masih lapang pergi
This heart isn't cold enough
To take the heat off the chart
You are the coal
I am no miner
I left it undone, in pieces
scattered without anything spoken
Fire still burning every spot,
where you stomped your mark
Digging and taking away
Melting until it is over
A word too big to find a place
In you from me
In me from you
An effort too risky
Heart too broken to see
How is it possible that you can make me say goodbye a thousand times... and I still feel like you said it first?
An arrow straight to my heart.
