Monday, September 19, 2016

Letter to the Unknown Part II

Dear you,

Today is the last day of my busy schedule. And I haven't had the chance to talk to you. I tried. I kept giving hints. But you were busy, I know. You didn't mean to push me away. You still replied my texts. And for that, I'm grateful. I know you care.

I've imagined today for as long as I've known you. The day when I would burn the letters. The day when I would throw away the papers. I've been crying for days. I didn't tell anyone. I couldn't tell anyone. Why would I tell anyone? No one would understand. NO ONE would tell me that I am making sense.

As crazy as it sounds, today is the last day I would sit and give my all to reminisce each and every memory we had. Yes. I still regret the decision I made years ago. I should've stayed with you. I should've told you that I love you very much. But of course, He has better plans for us right? I can't be selfish. Who am I to stop you from being happy?

For sometime now, you have been a crucial part of my life. You are my real superhero. You helped me through a lot of things, a lot of troubles, a lot of tears... some of it without even knowing. You always knew what to say. You always came running. You have always been around. My wonderful Mr Yes. And I have lost count of how many times... that I fell for you. Probably every time we met. Probably every time we said goodbye. Probably every time you texted. Probably every time I baked something for you.

But let me tell you one specific recent event that made me very certain that I am indeed in love with you. When you chose me that outfit. When you spent an hour choosing the right one in the midst of your superbusy schedule. You made decisions with me and was actually interested when giving opinions. Part of me died a little that day. You were too kind. Too wonderful.

I have mental pictures of you everywhere. In my heart, in my mind, in my dreams, every time I looked at the empty seat on my left. You. I just realised that all these while, I have been missing you.

I really need to let you go. I can't live with this feelings forever. You can't be my saviour forever. You are only mine in my dreams. And I shall I keep it that way. 

Note : Written for an unpublished manuscript - 'Danger'.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Gapai / Reach

Ini aku dan jemariku yang cuba menggapai kamu di sebalik kabus tebal malam itu. Sudah telat untuk aku bingkiskan kata-kata panjang kerana bayang yang ada pun makin cepat menghilang. Dalam beberapa saat itu apa saja yang mampu aku ulang? Entah bahagian mana dalam cerita kita yang mahu aku ungkit untuk luahkan betapa sayang. Entah untuk apa. Entah perlu atau tidak aku menjengah kembali rasa yang sebenarnya menyakitkan saja. Lantas aku cuma menggenggam tangan kamu buat terakhir kali. Untuk waktu itu hanya hening yang pantas untuk menemani. Biar resah itu diganti tawa yang kedengaran bagai nyanyian di telinga ini. Biar luka itu disembuhkan dengan senyum yang menjadi bukti segala yang terjadi hari ini bukan sekadar satu episod mimpi. Kepergian kamu, langkah-langkah itu berlalu tanpa janji. Tapi benar aku sudah lelah untuk meneka apa lagi yang menanti.

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This is me and my hands, my fingers trying to reach you, to hold you where I can’t see you. Maybe I subconsciously leave everything until the eleventh hour because part of me didn’t even believe that you will be here. I only have a few seconds, what else can I say? How much of us that I should try to convey? I can’t even pick a story because my mind is playing our memories on the loop, hurting me. So I decided to embrace this moment for a little longer, and enjoy the birds chirping and silence wrapping the cold night and pretend like they are my saviour. I let you pick up every little piece of my soul that is trying to break free. I smile to replace the bitterness I would taste as soon as I close the door, put down my bag and lie on the bed thinking that this is not just a dream. You’re not promising anything. And I am just too exhausted to think about what could be waiting.

X D

Friday, September 9, 2016

22 jam

Ini aku dan suara di telinga. Di tengah persimpangan, antara dua rentan. Gema di mana-mana yang aku cuba lari dan bayangkan tiada. Bisa diulang berkali tapi peritnya cuma di hati. Baris diluah berseni yang ditelan racun lagi. Tak perlu toleh ke kiri, pandang saja ke hadapan dan pergi. Usai lelah berkali, kau masih tegar berdiri?

x D

Saturday, September 3, 2016

my strange bright beam

I spent 4 hours of silence last night,
nothing seems right
Still wishing you are here to hug me close, and tell me everything will be okay with your sleepy voice
Wishing I am in the twilight zone
Where I can watch you fall asleep and wake up smiling... over and over again
Between us, we seem to have lost the track of time
It feels like we are still in the same year when I first asked you to write your name
Do you know that I still have that small piece of paper?
But I don't have the courage to do it again, there is no reason to add the pain
You're like a strange bright beam,
shining your light and vanished into the stream
Did you know what I wanted to hear?
Did you turn away because of your fear?
Are we in danger?
How long do I have before this is over?
When we run out of excuses, how do I avoid the bruises?

X B

Caramel’s Words
The morning of goodbye slowly
approached me from far away while smiling.
We are the sunlight in the night sky.
It is as if the night is sleepwalking.
Slowly, we’ll be forgotten.
© Park Young Joon